ADHD AWARENESS MONTH: LOOKING BEYOND THE SYMPTOMS WE SEE When Fear of Rejection Makes Your World Smaller
A Counsellor’s Perspective on Avoidance, Withdrawal, and the Things We Stop Trying
Blog written by Michelle Oppermann, BSW, RSW (SK)
October is ADHD Awareness Month, a time to increase understanding of ADHD, challenge stereotypes, and bring greater attention to some of the less visible ways ADHD can affect everyday life.
In the last blog, we looked at people-pleasing, perfectionism, and self-abandonment as ways people may try to protect themselves from rejection. Another protective response can be much quieter.
Sometimes rejection sensitivity looks like not going. Not applying. Not asking. Not speaking up. Not sharing the idea. Not trying unless you are already pretty sure you will succeed.
When Avoidance Starts to Feel Like Safety
Imagine seeing a job posting that genuinely interests you. You meet most of the qualifications, but a thought appears: They probably want someone with more experience. You close the posting.
Or someone invites you somewhere new. You want connection, but you picture standing alone or saying the wrong thing, so you decide not to go.
Nothing dramatic happened. No one actually rejected you. But underneath may be a quiet strategy:
If I do not put myself in a position to be rejected, maybe I can avoid the pain of rejection altogether.
I know how easy it can be to tell yourself you are simply being practical when part of you may also be trying to avoid the possibility of hearing no.
Kustow describes avoidance and withdrawal as possible protective responses around rejection sensitivity. In the short term, avoiding can bring relief. Over time, it can also reduce opportunities, connection, learning, and experiences that matter. (Kustow, 2026)
The World Gets Smaller One Decision at a Time
Avoidance can sound very reasonable
I’ll apply when I’m more qualified.
I need to research it more first.
I’ll start when I know I can do it properly.
It doesn’t matter anyway.
Sometimes those statements are true. Not every declined opportunity is fear. Choosing solitude, changing direction, or deciding something is not worth your energy can be healthy.
A more useful question is:
Am I making this choice because it fits me, or because I am afraid of what I might feel if I try?
When “I Can’t” Means “I Don’t Feel Safe Trying”
Past experiences matter. Maybe you have been criticized repeatedly, misunderstood because of ADHD, or told you were careless, too much, disorganized, or not living up to your potential.
In that context, avoidance may not be a lack of motivation. It may be an attempt to protect yourself from another experience that seems to confirm a painful belief: See? I knew I wasn’t good enough.
Solden and Frank describe how negative self-beliefs and hiding can reduce vulnerability in the short term while also limiting authenticity and connection. (Solden & Frank, 2019)
The goal is not to force yourself into every uncomfortable situation. It is to notice when fear has started making decisions you would rather make for yourself.
The Goal Is Not “Just Do It”
Sometimes there are good reasons not to proceed. A workplace may be unsupportive. A relationship may be unsafe. You may need more preparation, accommodations, or support.
Counselling can help slow the decision down enough to ask: What am I protecting myself from? What matters to me here? What support would make this more manageable? Do I want to move toward this, even if some discomfort comes with it?
That changes the question from How do I avoid rejection? to What kind of life am I trying to move toward?
Start Smaller Than Your Fear Tells You To
Moving away from avoidance does not require a huge leap. It might mean sending one application, asking one question in a meeting, attending an event for thirty minutes, showing someone unfinished work, or asking for clarification instead of assuming the answer will be no.
Saline’s practical guidance similarly encourages reconnecting with why something matters and considering whether a valued goal may be worth some emotional risk. (Saline, 2025)
A Small Experiment
Think of something you have been avoiding. Choose something small enough that curiosity is possible.
Ask yourself:
What am I worried will happen?
What might this give me if it went reasonably well?
What is one smaller version of the step I could take?
If it does not go the way I hope, how could I support myself afterward?
Sometimes courage is not believing rejection will never happen. Sometimes it is knowing that if it does, you will not have to abandon yourself because of it.
The goal is simply for fear to have less authority over where you are allowed to go.
In the next blog we will look at what can happen in relationships when feedback, frustration, or ordinary conflict begins to feel like rejection, and how regulation, communication, and repair can help.
Sources
Kustow, J. (2026). “RSD Coming Into Focus: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in ADHD Brains.” ADDitude ADHD Experts Webinar Transcript.
Solden, S., & Frank, M. (2019). A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD.
Saline, S. (2025). “How to Control Your Emotions and RSD in Real Time.” ADDitude.
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