ADHD AWARENESS MONTH: LOOKING BEYOND THE SYMPTOMS WE SEE | Trying to Become Rejection-Proof: People-Pleasing, Perfectionism, and Self-Abandonment
A Counsellor’s Perspective on the Protective Side of Rejection Sensitivity
Blog written by Michelle Oppermann, BSW, RSW (SK)
October is ADHD Awareness Month, a time to increase understanding of ADHD, challenge stereotypes, and bring greater attention to some of the less visible ways ADHD can affect everyday life.
In my previous blog, we looked at the RSD loop and how quickly a trigger can move through the body, our interpretation of what happened, and the urge to protect ourselves. Sometimes that protection happens in the moment. Other times, it slowly becomes a way of living.
Trying to Prevent Rejection Before It Happens
If criticism, disappointment, or disapproval feels especially painful, it makes sense that you may start trying to prevent those experiences.
You become easy to get along with. You say yes when you mean no. You double-check your work. You apologize quickly. You try to anticipate what everyone needs before they ask. You avoid situations where you might fail, disappoint someone, or be judged.
From the outside, these behaviours may look responsible, thoughtful, accommodating, or high-achieving. Inside, they may be driven by fear.
What is this behaviour protecting you from, and what is the protection costing you now?
People-Pleasing and Self-Abandonment
People-pleasing is not simply being kind. It can become a pattern of putting other people’s comfort, approval, or needs ahead of your own because saying no, disagreeing, asking for something, or disappointing someone feels unsafe.
You may notice yourself agreeing before checking what you actually want. You may soften your opinions, over-explain boundaries, apologize for having needs, or take responsibility for other people’s emotions.
I can relate to how easy it is to say yes automatically and only realize afterward that I never stopped to ask myself what I actually wanted.
That can be a hard pattern to notice because, from the outside, it may simply look like being helpful or easygoing.
Over time, the cost can be exhaustion, resentment, confusion about your own preferences, and difficulty recognizing where another person ends and you begin.
This is where people-pleasing can become self-abandonment: keeping connection by repeatedly leaving yourself out of the relationship.
Perfectionism as Protection
Perfectionism can serve a similar function.
If getting something wrong feels connected to shame or rejection, being perfect can start to feel like protection: If I do everything correctly, nobody can criticize me. If I prepare enough, I cannot embarrass myself. If I never make a mistake, I cannot disappoint anyone.
The problem is that perfection is an impossible safety strategy. The standard keeps moving, mistakes become threatening, and even positive feedback may not feel reassuring for long.
Perfectionism may also show up as procrastination or avoidance. If the standard feels impossible, not starting can feel safer than trying and discovering that your best might not be enough.
The Protection Makes Sense
I find it more helpful to understand these patterns as protective strategies than as character flaws.
At some point, being agreeable, useful, careful, invisible, high-achieving, or low-maintenance may have helped reduce conflict, criticism, embarrassment, or rejection.
The question is not whether the strategy was ever useful. The question is whether it still fits your life now.
A strategy can protect you and still cost too much.
A Different Kind of Safety
Counselling is not about becoming less caring, less thoughtful, or less conscientious. It is about having more choice.
That may mean learning to notice when a yes is automatic, practicing a small no without a long explanation, allowing work to be good enough, asking for clarification instead of assuming disappointment, or tolerating the discomfort of letting someone have a feeling without immediately fixing it.
It can also mean learning the difference between discomfort and danger. Someone being disappointed does not automatically mean you did something wrong. A mistake does not automatically mean you are a failure. A boundary does not automatically mean you are rejecting someone.
These shifts usually happen gradually. The goal is not to stop caring what people think. It is to stop making approval the price of fitting in.
Brené Brown draws an important distinction between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in can require us to watch the room and adjust ourselves to be accepted, while belonging allows us to stay connected without having to constantly reshape who we are.
A Small Experiment
Choose one situation where you tend to over-accommodate, over-prepare, or over-apologize.
Before responding, ask yourself:
What do I actually want or need here?
What am I afraid will happen if I do not protect myself in the usual way?
What would a five-percent-more-authentic response look like?
You do not have to make a dramatic change. A shorter explanation, a delayed response, a small boundary, or allowing something to be good enough can be meaningful practice.
Avoiding rejection can sometimes require rejecting yourself first. The work is not to become rejection-proof. It is to build enough self-trust that you do not have to disappear in order to feel safe.
In the next blog, we will look at another protective pattern: avoidance and withdrawal, and how fear of rejection can quietly make your world smaller.
Sources
Kustow, J. (2026). “RSD Coming Into Focus: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in ADHD Brains.” ADDitude ADHD Experts Webinar Transcript.
Saline, S. (2025). “ADHD Imposter Syndrome: Not Good Enough, Feelings of Inadequacy, RSD.” ADDitude.
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